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Pen Pals Pointless Postings#4: Contractual Demands
It was a real coup for Atomic Johnson Productions to land two giant stars of stage and screen like Holm Bradwell and Andrew Patterson. Holm is, of course, the host of the wildly successful Fox reality series "Whore Island" while Andrew is currently the eighth highest paid mime in all of Bratislava. As such, it was reasonable to assume that their participation in "Pen Pals" would come with a couple of strings attached. Here is a brief excerpt from their 63 page contract.
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Proviso 121. Nobody is to look Holm directly in the eye. This includes the director, other actors, the stage manager, any backstage crew, the audience and anyone he should meet entering or exiting the theatre. If eye contact is establish, Holm is well within his rights to kick said person in the nads or, baring nad ownership, the teeth.
Proviso 122. The audience of any and every Pen Pals performance must never contain any less than 80% single women.
Proviso 123. Make that 80% desperate single women…with daddy issues.
Proviso 124. To get Andrew in the proper headspace, he requires that before every show 80’s pop band Tears for Fears reunite and perform an acoustic set of every track from their “Seeds of Love” album live. If they are not available, the other from WHAM would be an acceptable substitute.
Proviso 125. Holm and Andrew both demand that their dressing rooms contain the follow items:
a. a monkey (rhesus or better)
b. a hot tub full of Red Bull kept at exactly 27 degrees Celsius
c. a box set of Gilmour Girls: Season 2
d. 4 tuna fish sandwiches kept at exactly 27 degrees Celsius
e. a former cast member of Degrassi Junior High (Lucy or better)
f. ChapStick
g. Instructions for proper ChapStick applications written in Dutch, then translated into French
h. horse tranquilizer
i. a horse
j. people who can keep a secret
Proviso 126. Holm and Andrew reserve the right to perform the dialogue in Pen Pals in any order they so desire. On some nights they may do it backwards. If either actor needs to leave early, he is free to do all his lines first and then let the other finish up. Finally, Holm and Andrew are permitted to only do the lines that get a laugh. We call these our “2 minute” productions.
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It kinda goes on like this for a while but I think you get the idea.
It was a real coup for Atomic Johnson Productions to land two giant stars of stage and screen like Holm Bradwell and Andrew Patterson. Holm is, of course, the host of the wildly successful Fox reality series "Whore Island" while Andrew is currently the eighth highest paid mime in all of Bratislava. As such, it was reasonable to assume that their participation in "Pen Pals" would come with a couple of strings attached. Here is a brief excerpt from their 63 page contract.
-------------------------------------------------------------------
Proviso 121. Nobody is to look Holm directly in the eye. This includes the director, other actors, the stage manager, any backstage crew, the audience and anyone he should meet entering or exiting the theatre. If eye contact is establish, Holm is well within his rights to kick said person in the nads or, baring nad ownership, the teeth.
Proviso 122. The audience of any and every Pen Pals performance must never contain any less than 80% single women.
Proviso 123. Make that 80% desperate single women…with daddy issues.
Proviso 124. To get Andrew in the proper headspace, he requires that before every show 80’s pop band Tears for Fears reunite and perform an acoustic set of every track from their “Seeds of Love” album live. If they are not available, the other from WHAM would be an acceptable substitute.
Proviso 125. Holm and Andrew both demand that their dressing rooms contain the follow items:
a. a monkey (rhesus or better)
b. a hot tub full of Red Bull kept at exactly 27 degrees Celsius
c. a box set of Gilmour Girls: Season 2
d. 4 tuna fish sandwiches kept at exactly 27 degrees Celsius
e. a former cast member of Degrassi Junior High (Lucy or better)
f. ChapStick
g. Instructions for proper ChapStick applications written in Dutch, then translated into French
h. horse tranquilizer
i. a horse
j. people who can keep a secret
Proviso 126. Holm and Andrew reserve the right to perform the dialogue in Pen Pals in any order they so desire. On some nights they may do it backwards. If either actor needs to leave early, he is free to do all his lines first and then let the other finish up. Finally, Holm and Andrew are permitted to only do the lines that get a laugh. We call these our “2 minute” productions.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
It kinda goes on like this for a while but I think you get the idea.
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