PenPals

Pen Pals Pointless Postings #2 : How to get a play into the Fringe Festival

1. Get $700 for the processing fee – This may prove difficult as many Fringe performer’s main source of income consists of tips from their various bartending gigs and spare change they find in their friends’ sofas. We suggest asking your parents for the money. Tell them it’s for business administration classes at your local community college. They won’t be able to hand over the money quickly enough.

2. Fill out the application – This may also prove tricky. Applications are often designed to crush your artistic spirit, shoving lines and spaces in your face and telling you where to write. Find a healthy compromise between being you and following the rules. You may have to sign on the dotted line but instead of ink, use racoon blood.


3. Getting selected – Festivals often pick shows completely at random. Luckily, there are still several ways to push your entry to the front of the line. A tried and true method is having sex with the selection committee. There may be several people on this committee so you might consider doing them all at once to save time. If this does not work, it’s very easy to fill the competition with enough dread and doubt to have them pull their names from the draw. Simply telling someone, “That beret makes you look fat” is usually enough to make them run, screaming.

4. Write your play – By far the easiest part of the process, all you really have to do is follow these 3 basic steps:

a. Find on old script from an episode of “Welcome back, Kotter”
b. Pepper the dialogue with the requisite amount of ‘fucks’ and half a dozen pop-culture references (Tip: John and Kate plus 8 is really big right now)
c. Rewrite ending in which Mr. Kotter dies of AIDS in a dark alley on his way to his son’s first birthday party

Voila. Instant Fringe play.

5. Rehearsal – This is optional

6. Performance – At the end of each show you will be showered by praise from friends, family and the occasional walk-in. These accolades are, of course, meaningless. The only person whose opinion matters is Joe Nobody, the theatre critic from the Ottawa Daily Shopper or the Acton Jr. High Free Press. If you think they did not like the show, you might want to try some of the advice from point 3.

Congratulation. You are now a Fringe star!!