Pen Pals Pointless Posting #7: Eye Weekly Review

It seems that despite our best efforts to screw everything up, PEN PALS is a hit. Here's what are good friends at EYE WEEKLY had to say about us (right after our cheque cleared):


Pen Pals
Review by Sean Kelly Keenan
***** (Out of 5)


From Thundercats to MacGyver, no crappy ’80s television show is safe in this buddies-coming-of-age tale about Martin and Clark, a pair of unsuccessful screenwriters who are coming desperately close to the edge of that middle-aged abyss of outright failure and doom. Hilariously long-winded, pop culture– and theory-packed dialogue worthy of Joss Whedon is spoken; circus porn is watched; Jewel poetry is read: all in the name of giving you a freakin’ funny good time. It’s a crude, lewd, righteously entertaining show that will leave you howling for more. (Bonus: Surprise twist ending!) Go see it. Now!


Thanks to everyone who has come out to the show so far. It was very kind of you to get drunk before the show. Also, thanks in advance for all those who will join us soon.

Now, if you'll excuse us, we are going to use our new found fortune to buy solid gold rocket cars and diamond studded sweater vests.

ATOMIC JOHNSON PRODUCTIONS

Pen Pals Pointless Postings#6: Critical Acclaim

Only one more week until the first show and critics are already buzzing. Just look at some early reactions to PEN PALS:

"Don’t miss this show! The theatre is air-conditioned and the seats were much more comfortable than I expected. Plus, with almost nobody in the audience you get lots of room to stretch out"

-Frank Valcheck, Faberge Egg Enthusiast

"This show had lots of swears which was good. Also they screamed a lot. It would be better if there were animals in it but good ones, like lions and snakes and stuff. You know, ones that do killing"

-Mike "Mikey" Taylor, Acton Middle School Press

"What do you want? They try hard and they’re such polite boys. You should see it. What are you going to do, stay home and watch Ghost Whisperer? Go see them. They’d see you if you were in a play"

-Holm’s Mom

“Eight Thumbs Up!!! Eleven Stars!!! Nineteen Green Clovers!!! EVERYTHING IN CAPS!!!! I don’t need to take my pills!! Jennifer Garner has been going through my trash. I have pictures!!!”

- Dr. Cyloptapus84, www.thingssatanmakesmedo.com

“Every rose has its thorn. Just like every night has its dawn. Just like every cowboy sings a sad, sad song”

- Bret Michaels, Poison

“For anyone who found the plot to Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen too difficult to follow, have I got the play for you”

- Kevin Awad, Modern Bride

"I owe several bookies a butt-load of money. If this show is not a hit, I’m a dead man. Do you want my blood on your hands??? For God sakes, I've got two cats!! If I’m dead, who’s going to feed them? You?"

-Andrew Patterson, playwright and potential corpse

SEE WHAT ALL THE TALK IS ABOUT.

GET YOUR TICKETS TODAY.

SHOWS ARE SELLING OUT FAST.

WELL, THAT'S KINDA A LIE BUT BUY A TICKET ANYWAY.

Pen Pals Pointless Postings#5: Fan Forum

Here’s a letter we received from a fan a few weeks back. After much soul searching, we decided putting this letter up on our website would be much easier than coming up with original content.

Dear Atomic Johnson Productions,

I recently attended a production of PEN PALS at the Edmonton Arts/Animal Husbandry Festival a few months back and I’ve been wanting to write you guys ever since. First of all, I want to thank the both of you for such a wonderfully entertaining show. I was more than a little nervous going in, having read recent reviews naming your show “the worst show of this or any year” and “theatrical herpes”. I, however, don’t like being told what to think by know-it-alls. My doctor, for example, keeps telling me how I need to “start radiation treatment immediately” or I’m going to blah blah blah… He thinks he’s so big. Sorry, I’m digressing.

Your show was unbelievably funny. I must have laughed at least twice. Most plays are so boring, with stories I don’t understand or people speaking dialogue more than two or three sentences long. I don’t think you guys had any lines in your show that were more than 4 words, and most of them were swears. I’m sorry that the rest of the audience didn’t find this funny. Most guys would have given up half way through but not you two. The way you guys got all belligerent and then started to physically attack the crowd was great. You got a few shots in on me, which is understandable. How could you know I was the one guy who laughed both those times?

The second act was even better but I have a question. Five minutes in, Andrew seemed to forget his lines and then started to sob uncontrollably for 20 minutes followed by Holm storming out, punching out ushers along the way. Was this carefully planned or an outstanding bit of improvisation? Either way, Bravo! Talk about a courageous display of raw emotion. I bet the Tony awards come a calling next spring. I sure hope you guys can make bail by then.

Anyway, I have to go. I think the mailman has been unsealing, reading, resealing and delivering my heating bills. He thinks he’s so big. Let’s see how big he is when he puts his hand into a mailbox full of angry bees.

Warmest Regards,

Raoul DeRobertez CPA

Pen Pals Pointless Postings#4: Contractual Demands

It was a real coup for Atomic Johnson Productions to land two giant stars of stage and screen like Holm Bradwell and Andrew Patterson. Holm is, of course, the host of the wildly successful Fox reality series "Whore Island" while Andrew is currently the eighth highest paid mime in all of Bratislava. As such, it was reasonable to assume that their participation in "Pen Pals" would come with a couple of strings attached. Here is a brief excerpt from their 63 page contract.

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Proviso 121. Nobody is to look Holm directly in the eye. This includes the director, other actors, the stage manager, any backstage crew, the audience and anyone he should meet entering or exiting the theatre. If eye contact is establish, Holm is well within his rights to kick said person in the nads or, baring nad ownership, the teeth.

Proviso 122. The audience of any and every Pen Pals performance must never contain any less than 80% single women.

Proviso 123. Make that 80% desperate single women…with daddy issues.

Proviso 124. To get Andrew in the proper headspace, he requires that before every show 80’s pop band Tears for Fears reunite and perform an acoustic set of every track from their “Seeds of Love” album live. If they are not available, the other from WHAM would be an acceptable substitute.

Proviso 125. Holm and Andrew both demand that their dressing rooms contain the follow items:

a. a monkey (rhesus or better)
b. a hot tub full of Red Bull kept at exactly 27 degrees Celsius
c. a box set of Gilmour Girls: Season 2
d. 4 tuna fish sandwiches kept at exactly 27 degrees Celsius
e. a former cast member of Degrassi Junior High (Lucy or better)
f. ChapStick
g. Instructions for proper ChapStick applications written in Dutch, then translated into French
h. horse tranquilizer
i. a horse
j. people who can keep a secret

Proviso 126. Holm and Andrew reserve the right to perform the dialogue in Pen Pals in any order they so desire. On some nights they may do it backwards. If either actor needs to leave early, he is free to do all his lines first and then let the other finish up. Finally, Holm and Andrew are permitted to only do the lines that get a laugh. We call these our “2 minute” productions.

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It kinda goes on like this for a while but I think you get the idea.

Pen Pals Pointless Postings
#3: Director's Production Diary
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Hello, I am acclaimed theatrical director Lars Griffindur. Although I was reluctant to keep a diary of my work on Pen Pals at first, I am now very glad that I did; it will soon be used as evidence in the 3 civil suits I have launched against Holm Bradwell and Andrew Patterson, the “performers” of this upcoming “production”. I hope you enjoy reading this log as much as I enjoy daydreaming about the sweet release of death.

Day 1: I had my first meeting with my two actors. They showed up 45 minutes late and dripping in what smelled like a combination of cheap vermouth and lighter fluid. They sincerely apologized for their tardiness, explaining that their streetcar was, at first, late and then spontaneously caught fire. Sadly, we had almost no time to practice. The moment I handed out scripts, Holm had to leave for an emergency eyebrow waxing while Andrew simply passed out on floor where he intermittently snored and wet himself.

Day 5: The rehearsal process has proved slightly more challenging than I first anticipated. Holm insists that he should be in roller-skates for the entire show. While he justifies this choice through what he claims is a ‘nuanced understand of my character and shit’, I’m almost certain he simply does not know how to get his skates off. For the sake of harmony, I would be willing to give in; however, it appears that Holm has no idea how to skate. I’ve started having a small cocktail after practice to calm my nerves.

Day 9: Andrew cannot remember his lines. This is, I believe, primarily because he has yet to read them. He feels that lines are too constricting and don’t allow for authentic emotional creation. It seems his idea of authentic emotional creation consists of running round the stage, asking the other actors to pull his finger. When I asked him if he could take at least one look at his script, he accused me of ‘karmic rape’ and would not stop crying until I brought him a club sandwich. I have started drinking a bottle of red wine before each rehearsal to calm my nerves and a bottle after to forget.

Day 13: Both Holm and Andrew have stopped coming to rehearsals. They sent a couple of homeless men in their place. While initially alarming, Stabbin’ Mike and Dr. Prozac turned out to be much more capable actors than my original twosome. Despite repeated psychotic breaks and one stabbing – you got me, Mike – we got a lot accomplished. After rehearsal, Dr. Prozac and I split something that looked and tasted like windshield wiper fluid. I can’t feel my left foot.

Day 17: So cold….So very cold…..BATS!!!

Day 24: I called a general meeting today so I could set things right with my cast. I told them that if this show was going to work they need to follow orders, show up on time, learn their lines and stop acting like a couple of spoiled babies. I think we’ve finally turned a corner. There was a moment, somewhere between them slamming my head against a wall and tossing me through a plate-glass window, that I really felt I had gotten through to them. Of course, that could just be the Demerol talking.

Pen Pals Pointless Postings #2 : How to get a play into the Fringe Festival

1. Get $700 for the processing fee – This may prove difficult as many Fringe performer’s main source of income consists of tips from their various bartending gigs and spare change they find in their friends’ sofas. We suggest asking your parents for the money. Tell them it’s for business administration classes at your local community college. They won’t be able to hand over the money quickly enough.

2. Fill out the application – This may also prove tricky. Applications are often designed to crush your artistic spirit, shoving lines and spaces in your face and telling you where to write. Find a healthy compromise between being you and following the rules. You may have to sign on the dotted line but instead of ink, use racoon blood.


3. Getting selected – Festivals often pick shows completely at random. Luckily, there are still several ways to push your entry to the front of the line. A tried and true method is having sex with the selection committee. There may be several people on this committee so you might consider doing them all at once to save time. If this does not work, it’s very easy to fill the competition with enough dread and doubt to have them pull their names from the draw. Simply telling someone, “That beret makes you look fat” is usually enough to make them run, screaming.

4. Write your play – By far the easiest part of the process, all you really have to do is follow these 3 basic steps:

a. Find on old script from an episode of “Welcome back, Kotter”
b. Pepper the dialogue with the requisite amount of ‘fucks’ and half a dozen pop-culture references (Tip: John and Kate plus 8 is really big right now)
c. Rewrite ending in which Mr. Kotter dies of AIDS in a dark alley on his way to his son’s first birthday party

Voila. Instant Fringe play.

5. Rehearsal – This is optional

6. Performance – At the end of each show you will be showered by praise from friends, family and the occasional walk-in. These accolades are, of course, meaningless. The only person whose opinion matters is Joe Nobody, the theatre critic from the Ottawa Daily Shopper or the Acton Jr. High Free Press. If you think they did not like the show, you might want to try some of the advice from point 3.

Congratulation. You are now a Fringe star!!

Pen Pals Pointless Postings #1 :
Pornified Movie Titles

1. The Hangover -> The Wangover

2. Crank 2: High Voltage -> Spank 2: Guy Voltage

3. He's just not that into you -> He's just got that into you!

4. Land of the Lost ->

Land of the Lust (lame)
Land of the Lost Panties (better)
Hand that got lost down my pants (just weird)

5. Drag me to Hell -> Gag me, too, Helen

6. State of Play ->

Stage of Gay (Changing anything with an 'ay' sounds to 'gay' always works)

7. Monsters vs. Aliens -> Monsters vs. Gayliens (See!)

8. One Week -> One Wank

9. The Soloist -> The Soloist (Think about it)

10. X-Men Origines: Wolverine ->

Sex-Men Whorigines: Vulvarine (A clear sign I should quit)

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Now it's your turn. What can you do with...

The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

The best answer will get a free high-five at any Pen Pals performance.